Strong

I am writing this post on the eve of meeting my little girl.  I am not going to lie.  I am scared to death.  Not of my surgery or the recovery.  I am scared of having two children.  I cannot even fathom how I going to find the strength to handle two kids at once.  I know all kids are different, but Joey as a newborn was so hard and demanding.  I remember being such a zombie and so cranky from the serious lack of sleep and frustration.  How am I supposed to function with a newborn AND a super active toddler? 

People like to bring up the fact that I have help right now, so I should calm down.  But I'm not worried about the next 6-8 weeks.  I'm worried about the time when I go home.  Yes, my hubby will be home soon so he can help, but with our lifestyle, it is only a matter of months or weeks before he will have to deploy or be away again.  Do I just move home every time he leaves for an extended amount of time?  What kind of life is that for me and my children?  Uproot our routines constantly just so I have extra help?  This life of ours is hard, but I never really realized how hard until we had children.  Kids really do change everything.  

I know I should not worry about the future right now.  I should concentrate on getting through  my surgery, and the recovery, and the next few weeks.  Who knows what will happen in our future with careers. 

I'm also scared and mad about having to do this without the father of my child.  He should be here.  It is so weird and hard not to have my best friend by my side for such a life-changing event.  It hurts me to talk to Michael and hear the sadness and pain in his voice because he's missing the birth of his little girl.  We made the decision together to bring this child into the world, and now, I'm having to do it without him by my side. This is definitely one of the downfalls of my husband being a hero.   

As I get ready to turn off this computer and go to bed for the last time as a mother of one child, I need to think about meeting my sweet little Bristol.  I need to put all of these fears, sadness, and anger to rest because I will need to be strong for my family.  Strong for my inquisitive son.  Strong for my deployed husband.  Strong for my little girl.  And strong for myself.  

The End

Man, I am behind on this blog!  Things have been so crazy and hectic, and, now, we're finally here at the end.  I wanted to update this blog so I wouldn't forget any details before we start the next chapter!  :)

36 Weeks, 3 Days at the Kenny Chesney/Tim McGraw Concert in Charlotte, NC

 So, at my 36 week appointment, the doctor informed me that they would take Bristol by c-section on my due date, July 19th, if she hadn't already come on her own.  If I went into labor before July 19th, then I could try the VBAC.  This was upsetting news because I didn't feel like we were giving baby girl enough time to come on her own.  I wanted to wait until at least 41 weeks before we did a c-section.  The doctors did not want to induce me, though, due to an increased chance of uterine rupture.  

37 Weeks

When I went to my 37 week appointment, I was all prepared to argue and fight with the doctors about taking Bristol by c-section on my due date.  I was ready to fight tooth and nail to wait until 41 weeks.  However, I got the bad news that stopped the debate before it could even  really start.  The doctors finally received my records from Alaska.  My previous c-section surgery was done with a single suture versus a double suture.  The hospital I will be delivering Bristol at will not let a patient with this type of suture have a VBAC due to an increased chance of uterine rupture.  In addition to this policy, there is not an anesthesiologist on duty at all times since this is a smaller hospital.  It would take about 30 minutes for this specialist to arrive at the hospital if he/she was needed.  Since there is an increased chance of uterine rupture with VBACs, the lack of an on-duty anesthesiologists is risky. 

 I was devastated when I heard this news.  All I wanted to do was cry.  I can't believe I went 37 weeks believing that I would be able to try a vaginal delivery.  When I went home and did my own Google research, it seemed that the chances of uterine rupture were only a slight bit higher with the single suture.  It seemed that the suture argument was just an excuse for some doctors and hospitals to use so they do not have to do a VBAC.  This research only made this news harder to take...probably why you shouldn't Google anything medical!  I also kept thinking about the anesthesiologist thing.  If I would have stayed in California to have this baby, I probably could have had my VBAC due to being in a much larger hospital.  However, I certainly would not have had the amount of help that I have here.  Ahhhh, trade-offs! 

I am still having a really hard time with this news, but it is what it is.  I was seriously pissed off about this and did not want to hear any of the good reasons why having a c-section wasn't so bad.  However, one of the good reasons that does make me (and Michael) smile is that I will have the prettiest and most pristine vagina in the world since no babies will have ever barreled out of it!!!  Hahaha!  This is something good since my husband will be home from a long deployment relatively shortly after having this baby.  I have a friend that I had to wait several months before she was good to go down there after her vaginal delivery. On this note, I will be discussing birth control with the doctor ASAP!  No Irish twins here, please!  

38 Weeks

At my last appointment, 38 weeks, I found out that I will definitely be having my baby on July 12th.  Since this will be a scheduled c-section, they do not want me to go into labor naturally.  This will cause stress on baby and me.  My doctors do planned surgeries on Thursdays, which, coincidentally falls exactly on the day I turn 39 weeks.  39 weeks is also an optimal time to take the baby out of the mother because the baby is supposedly fully developed, not too big, and ready to go.

For four days prior to my appointment, I had been having very severe menstrual-like cramps.  These were so bad that I almost called the doctor to find out if I needed to go to the hospital!  When the doctor checked my cervix, the baby's head was right there!!  My cervix had not opened or dilated at all, though.  The doctor said that we would still go with the c-section on the 12th, or if I went into labor before then and was really far along, like 8 or 9 cm dilated, we would proceed with a VBAC (if my uterus was going to rupture, it would have already ruptured by then).  If I was only 1 or 2 cm dilated, we would do a c-section.  The doc said that the reason I was cramping so badly was due to the baby getting settled into my pelvis.